and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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