If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
