I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
