A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
