i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
