I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize