he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
