I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
