he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
