Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
