my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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