I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
