I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
