I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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