And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
