I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
