Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
