i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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