Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
