I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
