My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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