I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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