I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
