I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
