please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
