Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
