We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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