i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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