I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
