when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
