i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Help me help you realize you are a moron
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
