8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
