You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
