2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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