Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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