I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
do herpes really smell.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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