last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
