So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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