I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
