One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
