Plan B is the new Plan A
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
