My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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