New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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