I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
