Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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