Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
