Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
