yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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