So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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