Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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