Those balls look pretty dangerous.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
