found the other keg... it's in the tree
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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