Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
