Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
