i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
