Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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