Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
