I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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