My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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